last few days...

Ehhh, Nothing to special, Anymore ... Just the same old routine i was used to before... only instead of high school, it's Work and College... wednesday, I had an ok mornin, Got to think alot i was alone most of the mornin. then College class 1 for the day... went over a test, then i walked around a bit, and went crazy on the tennis courts by myself cause no one else was around and I was pissed, I played like ISH. I was hitin ok but as hard i can, then i tried to serve, it was like i never served correctly before... I worked on that too hard too quick and got tennis elbow... and then waited for College class 2 to start... and it did, and she didn't wait, I took 4 pages of notes in like 20 mins, lol. then got out of that, came home, ate, online for alil bit. then sleep. Thursday, Same deal work all day, then Class all night... 6-9:40, we got out early tho thank god, Kinda borin. Nothing i can do tho, I'll have to learn to like it... I was voted to be speaker and writer of the IDK what the hell I'm doin here group, That wasn't fun... then left. and ate, and Online and Sleep again...
Friday, Loved Work, Every second, I was soo pumpped it was friday. I made everyone happy around me too, it's great. I was on my way home, and I realized... I'm a Effin Loser, and i spent friday at my house, wanted to record my song, but i played it and it sounded like ISh... so i need to fix it AGAIN...But yea, then online for awhile, wrote a poem, I think i'm commin back... it's kinda wrong, doesnt make sense... idk... Yea, that's me alright... anyways, Saturday, Today: got up around 10:30 after gettin up like 4 times before that, didn't feel like moving... got up, and had nothing to do, So Naturally I started cleanin any/everything i could, while online... Watched some football afterwords and now I'm effin bored again and can't get over the fact that I'm a effin loser ... It really hurts... a lot, I have no friends, well one, but one friend is not what i need or want right now... I don't have time for tennis or anything anymore, it's hard for me to even make time for brittany, I feel JUST like i did when i moved here, No point in being Here, No one wants me here... and that's a horrible feelin to have, but she wants us to be just like we were, and i can't see how it's possible, everytime i try to remotely think about her, It's not like a friend, not like she wants, and I feel if i can do anything to get her back, I might as well not even try... But i want to wait, cause i miss and like her alot... I don't even try to talk to girls, cause it's not worth it. It's not me, it's her, and she said it herself... and the only thing i can do is wait... altho in a way it's kinda a good thing, cause I don't have to worry about any of her guy friends talkin to her, even tho, i didn't want to, i got really jealous and how couldn't i? ... She's hot, and guys like her, Couldn't control them or her talkin to them... so i guess that's better for me, but now i don't even know what to say to her anymore, cause she's the don't ask, don't tell kinda person. and I don't want to ask, i don't want to care for her like a Girlfriend... but that's hard for me, considerin everything i went through with her... To other people it's not important, but to me, She helpped me a lot, opened up, to realize that it could happen, we could be together, and that i wouldn't have to worry... and well, no reason not to trust her, i did and started thinkin that way... I loved it, one of the best feelins ever, the way she made me feel is just awesome... I was unsure at first, cause I liked her, but didn't kno how much she liked me, but after i suggested waitin to be together as a boy/girlfriend relationship, she tried to play it off, but she couldn't and started to cry, That was all i needed, I knew she cared enough for me, and she would hold up on her end, and i would have to do the same... but as school rolled around, she didn't want to anymore, she didn't want me to interfer with her life goals, and work and whatever else she has to do... I realized how she started to feel, and i understand, but she wasn't about to dump me in person, cause i couldn't handle that at all. not even for a week... for that moment on, i knew i needed to get over her, and not think like that. I'm still havin trouble with that. But I was an ass... and she dumpped me like i knew she would, but i still couldn't handle it, cried for hours into the nights til i feel asleep. and for 3 nights after that... I tried to think about how it was... I was shy, threw in my 2 cents every once in awhile,I made no effort, Made comments but not to her directly and That's How IT Was, in school, and afterwords... That's When she made pretty much the effort to be with me with help from her dad whenever we could, and i was just around, called whenever she wanted, did pretty much everything she wanted.... After I started being the boyfriend i should have and making the first move to do any/everything with her... She wants me to go back to the way I was ... and I think i am, I still do what she wants and everything else... I can't make the effort without hurtin myself, and i never did before, sooo y should i ... The adjustin process is hell for me, and i don't want to deal with it, but i have no choice... She is the one who can't deal, When she can deal anything, I'll start makin the effort to be with her again ... Til then, I'm not gonna intentionally hurt myself... Does that Make Sense ? ... and IF u actually read this, Tell me what u think, I have over a million things on my mind and i couldn't prob. write a book about the way she makes me feel when we were together, u prob. think I'm over reactin, but U have no idea how she changed my life... Let me know anyway tho, I'm interested...